Friday, 2 August 2013


Today many couples are wondering the reason for the divorce if the couple seemed ideal. In some cases, many couples have to question their own motives. But there are many real alternatives to simple problems that occur within a marriage relationship.
It is true that the causes of divorce vary from couple to couple, but issues such as lack of communication, money and children are one of the most common early divorce.
The lack of communication in a marriage relationship is one of the most common causes of divorce, since due to the lack of it in two people living together means they are not able to solve problems that may occur within the couple.
Many couples think that caused minor problems in marriage are not significant and not worth talking about, but do not realise that even the smallest things can cause big conflicts if they do not know how to resolve them through communication.
Also many couples lack communication when it comes to making decisions about shared finances. This can cause financial problems and endless arguments. Many couples also have a lack of communication when making decisions about their children.
When one spouse does not agree with a decision made by the other spouse, then a fight may occur, which would bring great resentment against each other, or both. The lack of communication in all areas of marriage can cause damage to the relationship.
It is common for many couples undergo daily distractions, leaving very little communication. These circumstances may cause problems for the couple who may be overlooked, resulting in a series of emotions about to explode in the marital relationship and as a result, divorce.

Money, another frequent cause of divorce

Many people say that money is the root of all evil and in a marriage can be the source of all problems that lead to divorce … When one spouse makes all financial decisions and one does not agree with it, can a conflict between them. Financial obligations that accompany the birth of a child, can also cause a conflict in the couple and even lead to divorce.
This financial responsibility can drastically affect the marriage, because what seemed to be enough for both and is not to support a family. For many married couples, excess expenditure of funds by one or both spouses can occur, which would put the couple in debt and cause a burden on the marriage. No matter how much two people love each other have, it takes money to live a normal life.

Children, another cause of divorce
The children are also among one of the leading causes of divorce, since many couples believe that having children is something included in the marriage. However, when an unwanted pregnancy either by the father or the mother the child could become a light that can burn the marriage. Children and the lack of communication often financial stress of marriage.
Children need lots of support from both parents, especially if a divorce occurs, and when only one parent is responsible for this work is not enough. This situation means that many married couples discuss financial issues with regard to children if one disagrees with another.
In addition, children require a great deal of attention during the raising and although this needs to be made by both parents, usually only a short time for them. Often this means that spouses feel jealous because they think they are not getting the attention it once had and this can lead to adultery. Many couples experience this conflict in marriage and as a result see the divorce as a quick exit.
People don't want to work at marriage. There is a misguided belief that marriage will make us happy. As if marriage is a separate entity, something outside ourselves that will survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife.
Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of only to find himself married to someone who only wants more and then a little more after that.
What happens when both become disillusioned with their marriage? They start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, "What can I do to make things better?"
Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how they are living inside their marriage and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow a marriage to flourish.
People are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes hard work and if you aren't committed to working hard a marriage won't last.
Lack of Communication Skills:
Pure and simple, people don't know how to talk to each other and they know even less about listening. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse yet they put so little effort into wisely expressing their feelings and openly listening to their spouse.
It is also common for spouses to want to avoid conversation they fear will cause them or their spouse pain. If you can't communicate, you can't solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING and LISTENING don't become a habit there is no hope.

High Expectations:
As Sam Walton said, "High expectations are the key to everything" unless of course we are talking about marriage. Expectations and laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce.
That woman who buys the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage. These assumptions are based on many variables and problems arise when the outcome (marriage) doesn't meet the assumptions or expectations.
Marital expectations rarely align with the realities of what life is like inside marriage. I'll give you an example of unmet expectations from my own marriage. Women are taught by society that men want sex, that men think about sex and that sex is just second nature to men. According to society, if you marry a man you can expect that man to want sex with you.
I married a man who defined his own rules when it came to sex. He didn't think about sex, it was not second nature to him and since he married a woman who expected her husband to desire her sexually it goes without saying that there were problems in the marriage, problems that lead to divorce.
If he had communicated to me before marriage his lack of desire for sex I would not have married him. You see, this is where communication and expectations play a role in the outcome of marriages. Communication before marriage can keep down any unrealistic expectations one may have of marriage.

Cheating: Many respondents said that if their partner cheated on them, they would end the relationship. Although not every couple felt this way. Some respondents indicated a willingness to work through infidelity; however, many thought they could not. Even those who believe they can stay with their partner have difficulty restoring trust. The person who did the cheating may be repentant but the person who was cheated on often feels so betrayed that they can't get past it. They continue to punish their partner for the deep hurt they feel and the relationship often crumbles.
Dishonesty: I was interested to learn that people in relationships can have different definitions of dishonesty. Some believe that dishonesty involves only those incidents when they deliberately say things they know to be untrue, so neglecting to tell the truth is not seen as dishonesty. For others, anything that can be misleading from the truth, whether verbal or simply not expressed, is viewed as a lie. Many people in happy relationships said if their spouse lied to them, they may not be able to continue the relationship. For many, the marriage should be built on absolute trust. When that trust is abused or broken, some cannot maintain that relationship.
Addictions: For many, an addiction is something that cannot be forgiven, particularly if in the beginning of the relationship the addiction was not known or did not exist. Some addiction deal breakers were drug and alcohol problems, gambling or pornography. In addition to the first two concerns, addictions create trust issues. Many people felt they would not be able to count on their significant other to be consistent in his/her behavior and to put the relationship before anything else. Eventually, this would wear strongly on the foundation of one's marriage.
Abuse: Many people stated that if their spouse hit them, or physically or sexually abused their children, the relationship would be over. While there are many people who opt to stay in physically abusive relationships and some spouses who look the other way if their children are abused by their spouse, many people would not allow themselves or their children to be abused in that way especially by someone who promised to love them. This, again, can be boiled down to a trust issue.
Major changes in priorities: Major changes in priorities can cause an end in a marriage. People grow and change; sometimes they grow together in the same direction and other times they grow apart. There are other people who never change and are the same person fifty years into the marriage. What can be problematic and end relationships is when one or both partners change their priorities in ways that are unacceptable to their spouse. Some people mentioned a major change in religious beliefs and practices could strain the relationship, some people talked about putting jobs or children before the marriage and yet others complained of drastic changes in friendships or relationships with in-laws. Again, I think it comes down to trust and consistency.

Some of the effects associated with divorce include academic, behavioral, and psychological problems. Although this may not always be true, studies suggest that children from divorced families are more likely to exhibit such behavioral issues than those from non-divorced families.
Divorce and relationships
Research done at Northern Illinois University on Family and Child Studies suggests that divorce can have a positive effect on families due to less conflict in the home. There are, however, many instances where the parent-child relationship may suffer due to divorce. Financial support is many times lost when an adult goes through a divorce. The adult may be obligated to obtain additional work to maintain financial stability. In turn, this can lead to a negative relationship between the parent and child. The relationship may suffer due to lack of attention towards the child as well as minimal parental supervision.
Studies have also shown that parental skills decrease after a divorce occurs; however, this effect is only a temporary change. “A number of researchers have shown that a disequilibrium, including diminished parenting skills, occurs in the year following the divorce but that by two years after the divorce re-stabilization has occurred and parenting skills have improved”
Some couples choose divorce even when one spouse's desire to remain married is greater than the other spouse's desire to obtain a divorce. In economics this is known as the Zelder Paradox, and is more common with marriages that have produced children, and less common with childless couples.
In a study done by the American Psychological Association on a parents’ relocation after a divorce, researchers found that a move has a long-term effect on children. In the first study done amongst 2,000 college students on the effects of parental relocation relating to the well being if their children after divorce, researchers found major differences. In divorced families where one parent moved, the students received less financial support from their parents compared with divorced families where neither parent moved. These findings also imply other negative outcomes for these students such as more distress related to the divorce and did not feel a sense of emotional support from their parents. Although the data suggests negative outcomes for these students whose parents relocate after divorce, there is not enough research that can alone prove the overall well-being of the child A newer study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parents who move more than an hour away from their children after a divorce are much less well off than those parents who stayed in the same location
Divorce and academic achievements
Children who have experienced a divorce frequently have lower academic achievement than children from non-divorced families In a review done on family and school factors related to adolescents’ academic performance, it noted that it is two times more likely for a child from a divorced family to drop out of high school than a child from a non-divorced family. These children from divorced families may also be less likely to attend college, resulting in the discontinuation of their academic career
Many times academic problems are associated with those children from single-parent families. Studies have shown that this issue may be directly related to the economical influence of divorce. A divorce may result in the parent and children moving to an area with a higher poverty rate and a poor education system all due to the financial struggles of a single parent.
Effects of divorce on children
Sociologists know little about the effects on children younger than two or three years of age. Children from age range from 3 to 5 years old may often mistake the divorce of their parents as their own fault. Older children experience feelings of anger, grief, and embarrassment.
"People think that post-separation parenting is easy - in fact, it is exceedingly difficult, and as a rule of thumb my experience is that the more intelligent the parent, the more intractable the dispute. There is nothing worse, for most children, than for their parents to denigrate each other. Parents simply do not realize the damage they do to their children by the battles they wage over them. Separating parents rarely behave reasonably, although they always believe that they are doing so, and that the other party is behaving unreasonably." - Sir Nicholas Scott(President of the family division of the High Court)
Although not the intention of most parents, putting children in the middle of conflict is particularly detrimental. Examples of this are asking children to carry messages between parents, grilling children about the other parent's activities, telling children the other parent does not love them, and putting the other parent down in front of the children. Poorly managed conflict between parents increases children's risk of behavior problems, depression, substance abuse and dependence, poor social skills, and poor academic performance. Fortunately, there are approaches by which divorce professionals can help parents reduce conflict. Options include mediation, collaborative divorce, coparent counseling, and parenting coordination.
Divorce amongst the elderly
According to a New York Times article, “More Americans Rejecting Marriage in 50s and Beyond”, in the past 20 years, the divorce rate has increased over 50% amongst the baby boomers. More and more adults are staying single and according to an analysis of census data conducted at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, they say the divorce numbers will continue to rise. Baby boomers that remain unmarried are five times more likely to live in poverty compared to those who are married. According to the statistics, it will also be three times as hard to receive food stamps, public assistance or disability payments
Sociologists believe that the rise in the number of older Americans who are not married is a result of factors such as longevity and economics. Women, especially, are becoming more and more financially independent which allows them to feel more secure with being alone. In previous generations, being divorced or single was seen differently than it is now. This has resulted in less pressure for baby boomers to marry or stay married